The other day I checked in with a moms Facebook group to which I belong, and I stopped to sympathize with a mom complaining about how exhausting her two year old son is. A lot of the women who responded were empathetic and offered useful suggestions. But, as with any public community post, there always has to be at least one commenter who is hyper-critical of the original poster. The gist of that one’s response was that the OP shouldn’t complain because before long her child will be grown, and when that day comes she’ll miss these days.

As a parent, I hear this sentiment repeated regularly. The first time I remember hearing it was from one of my spouse’s family members, an elderly woman who has great-grandkids. I think highly of her, and the way she put it was so sweet and wistful for her own days as a mom of small kids. She said it when I was jokingly complaining about life with a newborn. I could tell that she understood my joke, but she also wanted to remind me to cherish these moments.

I have kept the sentiment forefront in my thoughts through my years with a young child, and I do believe I’ve savored more of the time than I might otherwise would have without that reminder. By setting my expectation that this time is fleeting and will be sweet in my memory (reflection), I’ve “remembered the four stages” and done my best to be more present with my child.

However, I sometimes take umbrage with how the sentiment is bandied about, especially when it’s meant to shut down a parent’s complaints. I understand where it comes from, especially having been excruciatingly childless for some years myself. There’s a bit of jealousy in it: How dare you complain when so many of us would give up a limb for the joy of having a small child to love? To me, though, this is like the person in a drought-stricken area telling someone trying to survive floodwaters that they can’t complain about all of the water with which they’ve been “blessed.” The ideal situation is a happy medium, but some parents are at one extreme while the empty nesters/involuntarily childless are at another.

Parents of young children are sometimes dealing with the following hits to their needs:

• Much (if not the entirety) of their schedule is at the mercy of their kid(s) (autonomy).

• Often parents of young kids suffer from sleep-deprivation (physiological).

• Parents deal with a number of stressors (safety): from arguments with partners about parenting to trying to stay on top of the innumerable tasks that go along with parenting to finding the mental space to unwind when the kid(s) need(s) so much attention.

• Many parents of younger children feel isolated from friends (social) because it’s difficult to find the time to maintain friendships in addition to everything else they need to do for their jobs, their spouses, or their children.

• Some parents struggle with self-doubt in their parenting abilities (esteem), especially because young kids grow and change so fast that the tactics that work one day don’t always work the next. And then when they try to seek advice from other parents, fellow parents are often quite judgmental.

• Some parents, especially those who do no work outside of parenting, can run into problems with their growth needs because time and attention becomes so focused on the child(ren) that they have trouble finding time for their own flow activities.

These are all legitimate concerns, and trying to shut down a person’s complaints isn’t helpful. Raising kids does much to help fill the six needs, but it’s easy to lose sight of the positives when you’re drowning in the negatives. Sometimes it’s more helpful to suggest ways to eliminate, minimize, or cope with the hardships than simply tell someone to ignore the negatives and focus on the positives.

Out of curiosity, what parenting maxims ruffle your feathers?

Notes:

• Keanu meme source: a meme site called Dump a Day.